A new year and this bathroom floor...

It has been a long time since I have blogged but I feel a need to share with all of you beautiful  people in hopes that if someone needs some help, perhaps you will reach out.

I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions anymore. I think tying important goals and intentions to one 'date' is a way to set yourself, well OK myself, up to fail. This year as a new year begins I find myself reflecting on the past year and on what, who and how I got to where I am today. I am feeling very hopeful this new year but it wasn't always so...

The holiday season can be full of beauty, excitement, giving, sharing and love; it can also be a time of intense sadness and overwhelm for many. Last holiday season and really for the last four, I was one of the many. On Christmas day four years ago, I had what I thought was some severe illness. It came on so suddenly, I got very hot and flushed, the room started to spin and my heart started racing at a speed that actually scared me. My mom was visiting that morning and she and my now ex husband called an ambulance. I was sure the news would not be good as this was something I'd not experienced and it was frightening. The news certainly shocked me, I was having a panic attack. I don't think I really digested what they said and truth be told I thought they were wrong. Maybe I was anemic again or was it possible that I had some infection that they could not detect; they were not wrong.

When I got home I felt embarrassed and I felt weak. My kids were scared and worried for me and I felt terrible for them to have had to see me like 'that' (yup I still thought I had control). This couldn't be, I am not the 'type' who has panic attacks. I'm strong and resilient and I'm a 'get shit done' kind of person. I would have known if I was having a panic attack, I was sure of it. My marriage was falling apart, there were financial pressures that I could not even think about and things that I thought I'd dealt with (ya know...by dealt with I mean stuffed in a box, tied with a pretty purple bow and shelved), were all somehow creeping up again. But really, I was in control...

I did exactly what the urgent care doctor suggested and went to my family doctor a few weeks later. I remember the first question I was asked after completing the 'depression survey', "do you have thoughts of suicide"? Ummm, no what I wanted was to feel OK living,  I had no desire to die and a strong desire to live, I just didn't feel equipped to do so. Thus began my back and forth with medical professionals. The first question the doctors would ask, was if I thought about suicide, when the answer was no it felt as though the conversation quickly shifted from serious to a suggestion that I just seemed to have some stress and that regular exercise and some sleeping pills should help get me, 'back on track'. Well I was on a track for sure but it was not going anywhere good. My marriage ended and I went through four years of a very challenging separation. I was the primary care giver for four children and the main provider for my children and I remember thinking, you don't have time for a breakdown Eryn, toughen up and move on. I needed to show up for my kids and I thought me being depressed was somehow not showing up, so I was going to opt out of depression.

I don't know why it's been such a challenge for me to admit I have struggled with depression. I would never suggest to someone else that they just, toughen up, show up, be grateful and move on with life yet I did this to myself for years. I would put on a happy face at work and then at home, in the car or often in the bathroom at work I would crumble. I felt like I was failing as a mom and as a professional. I just could not pull myself together and feel good again.

My place to really fall apart was often on my bathroom floor or in the tub. I would lay there,  tears flowing, feeling exhausted and so very lonely and I would talk myself into getting up, putting on make up and just getting on with the day. I stopped going out with friends and attended very few events that I was invited to. My weight would fluctuate 10 LBS within a month, easily. I would eat nothing and then binge eat , usually at 2 am when I couldn't sleep. I would drive to the wrong places, forget things and get times wrong, very unlike me. My brain and my body were overwhelmed and so very tired. My wake up call was when I could no longer wait to make it to my bathroom floor to fall apart anymore and the tears would just flow, in front of my kids. One of my kids asked me if I was OK and it was the first time I said, no, I don't think I am. I knew I needed some help.

The first few psychologists I saw were not a match for me and  I was getting rather discouraged. One psychologist (full disclosure, she was a student and the session was free) actually said to me, I see a woman who is like a super hero, her powers just haven't been shown yet...yeah I ran out of there. I did eventually find a great match for me, she had similar values and an approach that made sense to me. One of my dear family members found a psychologist/coach when I first separated from my ex and I knew it was time for me to go back and do some work with her. It took many, many tries and appointments and I did find a doctor who listened and who helped me understand that I needed (and may again) some help. This was not just about some stress in my life, I was depressed, I was exhausted and I was not broken, weak or flawed. I had to try a number of antidepressants and I won't lie, I did not like the process or the side effects of any. The prescriptions were on and off for about 18 months and on occasion I still need something to help me sleep. Today, this new years day, I feel hopeful and I feel grounded and comfortable with stillness and able to manage the busyness and stress (mostly...).

Today, meditation and as simple as this may sound, taking an extra 5 minutes every morning to stretch and feel gratitude, before I rush to start what is always a busy day, keeps me feeling present in my day. I do not believe I would be in this place without the medication to help me through the depression; at  that time medication and counselling were what I needed and may again one day. There is no shame in needing medication, it is simply what your body needs to be well. Some of us will need medication, some of us may not it, but we ALL need support and none of us can or should do it alone.

I am where I am today because of hard work on my part but mostly it's because of the support of a community around me. My family, especially my children, my friends and at times professionals have given me strength and support that I need to be the woman I want to be, the woman I am now. I want to continue to be the kind of mom, friend, leader, family and community member who can help others be their best; to do that I need to be my best. I also realize and accept that there will be hard days and no one is expecting me to be perfect and always on...people need me to be real and authentic and some days showing up is simply enough.

I still have dark days and at times me and that damn bathroom floor get reacquainted, it's actually kind of comfy to lay on... I know I have a community of people who can help get me off the floor and I know I will always need some help from others just as they will need some help and support from me. I have learned and will continue to foster ways to fill my spirit and to seek stillness and balance in my life. I know that depression does not pick only certain people and to live with depression, anxiety,  mental health issues of any kind, does not mean that you are in anyway flawed, weak or ,unable to be a good parent, leader or friend.

If you are on the floor or wherever your spot may be, needing some help, please take that first step and reach out. It is hard to ask for help and often exhausting to get help as so many just want to provide a quick fix. You are worth the effort ...

I wish you a year full of love, hope, challenges that you will learn from, gut wrenching laughter and joy and finally, stillness and peace.

With hope,

E

Some places you can get some help:

http://depressionhurts.ca

Canadian Mental health Association 

Distress Centre (Calgary )

Call 211 in Alberta

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